13 years

This time of year I always thing of my mom.  My Mom passed away 13 years ago on May 5th, 1999.  That year, May 9th was Mother's Day and then Monday May 10th was the funeral.  It is hard to believe it has been such a long time and that so much has happened without her.  So often in my day to day life, I think, "how would this be different if my mom were alive?"  "Could she help me?"  "What would be her advice in this situation?" "What did she do to handle a situation like this when we were kids?"

Looking back at some old pictures we took just after I graduated from high school. Mom had just recently been diagnosed with cancer but hadn't started treatment yet so was still looking like herself.

This picture cracked me up!!!!  Which one of the boys were we looking at when we took this picture? AND what were they doing?

Throughout the years, I have missed her at different times and in differing intensity. At first I just missed her all the time, and in many ways I still do, but as it has been such a long time since she was a part of my everyday life, my longing to be with her has changed.  I always miss her at big events such as my wedding, when I have a baby or when there is another important family event. I miss her when other people have important family events or when they have babies and I get to observe how special and nice it is to have a mom take part in those special times.

Even though I don't have my Mom with me now, I know that I have been blessed in many ways . I realize I am super lucky that I got to have my mom for 19 years. There are certianly much worse situations, such as having a crappy mom, no mom at all or even Dan who only got our mom for 7 years of his life. I am glad that I have some great memories and did get to learn some great life lessons from her.

I am also  lucky to have great women in my life who have stepped in and helped me when my mom would have but couldn't.  It has been one of the tender mercies of moving back to San Diego.  I also have a great women in my famly and of course, I have wonderful Dave and my kids! 
One of the reasons I especially love having 3 girls is because I never had sisters and now don't have a mother either. I am so happy they will get to have each other and that as they grow I will have some great girls in my family - something I miss now!

I love that we named Clare bear after my mom.  She knows she is named after Grandma Clare and she knows that that is why there is no i in her name and it makes her feel speical.  It was Dave's idea to use the name and what a great idea it was!! :)